Here’s a shocking truth: you lie more often than you realize, and it might be hurting you more than you think. From casual excuses to elaborate deceptions, lying is a part of daily life for most of us, yet we rarely pause to consider why. But here’s where it gets controversial: are we all just a step away from being like the contestants on The Traitors, where manipulation and deceit are rewarded? In the BBC series, the drama revolves around who can control the narrative most effectively, but in real life, we’d rather not see ourselves in that mirror. Why? Because, as chartered psychologist Kimberley Wilson, host of the BBC’s Complex podcast, points out, we’ve been conditioned to believe that ‘liars are bad people.’
And this is the part most people miss: we vastly underestimate how often we bend the truth. ‘We mostly pretend we don’t do it,’ Wilson says. This ranges from harmless white lies—like telling a housemate you didn’t have time to clean when you simply couldn’t be bothered—to more damaging deceptions, such as pretending to work late to hide an affair. Take, for instance, one listener who lied to her partner about a two-day work conference, claiming it was in York instead of New York, and stayed on for the rest of the week. ‘I have a stressful job and kids, and I just needed a break,’ she admitted. Psychotherapist Dr. Charlotte Cooper argues that lies like these often signal deeper issues in a relationship. ‘What I’m hearing in that story is the difficulty of being honest,’ she says. ‘I wonder what’s going on that certain things can’t be said.’
At its core, lying is about ‘telling a story with the intention to deceive,’ and Dr. Cooper warns that this distortion of reality can be profoundly damaging. The allure of lying, as seen in The Traitors, lies in its power—the longer a lie persists, the more devastating its eventual exposure. But in the real world, these behaviors can leave us isolated, anxious, and disconnected. Unlike the entertaining twists of a reality show, the consequences of lying in life tend to pile up, often in ways we don’t anticipate.
Research analyzing over 100,000 lies reveals that about 20% are tied to managing social engagements—canceling plans or smoothing over awkward interactions. Most people tell one or two small lies daily, the study found. Dr. Cooper calls this a ‘risky tactic,’ as the possibility of being caught always looms. This constant threat changes how we relate to one another. Even when a lie goes undetected, it forces us to interact on a superficial level. Conversations become shallow and guarded, because details can expose the deception. Over time, this self-censorship can lead to deep isolation. ‘Lying is really lonely,’ Dr. Cooper explains. ‘You’re creating a solo reality, and you’re out on a little planet by yourself.’
While lies might make the moment easier, they often complicate what comes next. Psychologists call this the cognitive burden—the emotional toll of maintaining a false narrative. ‘We focus on surviving that immediate moment without thinking about the aftermath,’ Dr. Cooper says. Keeping up a lie requires constant mental effort: remembering what was said, to whom, and when. ‘It’s a lot to carry,’ she adds.
But here’s the controversial question: can lying ever be justified? Dr. Cooper argues that not all lies are harmful. Some can ‘protect us psychologically or keep us safe.’ Children, for example, often lie instinctively to avoid punishment, and adults may do the same in moments of panic. She describes a spectrum of severity: mild lies of omission are forgivable, while ‘sticky’ mid-range deceptions can often be resolved with support and kindness. But long-term acts of deceit—like prolonged affairs—are a different story. At this extreme, lies can span decades, inflicting lasting harm on victims.
Dr. Cooper’s advice? ‘Always go gently’ on yourself. Complete honesty isn’t always possible or appropriate. Instead, focus on self-forgiveness and striving for authenticity. One practical step is to find the truth within what you want to say and communicate that instead. For example, instead of lying to a street fundraiser, you could simply say, ‘That’s not for me today.’ As Dr. Cooper puts it, ‘The truth doesn’t have to be brutal or harsh.’ If you don’t want to attend a social event, try saying, ‘I don’t want to come to the party tonight, but let’s catch up another time.’ With practice, it gets easier. ‘It’s not about being found out,’ she concludes, ‘but about integrity and the kind of person you want to be.’
Now, over to you: Do you think lying is ever justifiable? How do you balance honesty with self-preservation in your own life? Share your thoughts in the comments—let’s spark a conversation!
